Jimmy’s Denver Gazette Column | Defending Santa against holiday hullabaloo

Written by on December 25, 2020

Today is Christmas Day, and I figured, why not have a little holiday fun with today’s weekly column? Merry Christmas – I hope a little satire will help keep you a little warmer today!

In this topsy-turvy year of 2020, full of chaos and controversy, not even Kris Kringle himself is immune from holiday hullabaloo engulfing his workshop. Kringle, the famous Christmas gift-giver commonly known as Santa Claus, is under attack by radical elves blaming him for all their woes – and it’s a shame.

Leading up to Christmas, a group of mostly peaceful toymakers assumed control of an “autonomous zone” they call the North Pole CHOP (Toy Shop). Chaz Twinkleflake, a North Pole resident dissident with the Young Elves Labor Party (YELP) and the Occupy North Pole and Elf Lives Matter movements, explained their demands to me from quarantine.

“We want to defund the North Pole PoPo. We demand elfcare for all and an elf minimum wage of fifteen candy canes an hour,” Twinkleflake told me. “Also, it was bad enough trying to make wooden rocking horses and sleds during the depths of an arctic winter, but nowadays all the kids want is electronics. It’s terrible to work with all those chemicals in perpetual darkness.”

But that’s not all. Twinkleflake, a committed environmental and social justice activist, insists that lumps of coal need to stay clear of naughty children’s stockings. “Coal production harms the environment, for one, and for another, every kid should get participation presents. Coal is a symbol of oppression. Why is it that Santa enforces his narrow, extreme view of morality through lumps of coal, anyway?”

Kringle, who insists he loves every boy, girl and elf equally, shared some excellent counterpoints with me.

“So much figgy pudding right there,” he began. “First of all, I have given free COVID tests to my elves, and not a one has tested positive. But while I’m happy to give elfcare to elves in need, I’m concerned about the prospect that some South Pole elves caravan on up and demand free elfcare and other things they’re not entitled to. Only legal elves should get access to North Pole social services.”

“Also, who will protect us from the porch pole pirates if we defund the North Pole PoPo?” Kringle asked. “What about handling property crimes like Christmas tree vandalizers and red reindeer nose thieves? You should see what ELM extremists did to a statue of Frosty the Snowman – they painted a greenhouse on him!”

Good questions: As a two-time victim of sleigh theft as well as sleigh vandalism myself just this year, I can personally attest that Kringle is right in his admonition.

Weakness invites aggression, and when you constrain police too much and don’t address crime, you encourage more delinquency.

Kringle is also concerned about an untenable minimum wage hike to 15 candy canes an hour. “The Chinese elves at the East Pole make a fraction of that,” he said. “I simply can’t compete when their wages are so much lower. Besides, the last thing anyone wants is for elf jobs to be offshored to Mexico or the South Pole.”

Santa understands basic economics: When a minimum wage or other mandates are forced upon a business, operating costs go up, and the competitive pressure rises against competitors who do not have such mandates. It is not worth it to risk putting this philanthropic holiday do-gooder out of business!

As for the claims that he is forcing some kind of extreme morality upon children, Kringle rightly scoffed. “I spend my own money on toymaking and give presents to children because I’ve been called to do it for hundreds of years, not because of government compulsion,” he countered. “If a child is on the naughty list, they ought to get a lump of coal, so they know to be a better girl or boy next year. I have that right. Plus, Christmas is a Christian holiday after all, and I don’t know if you know this, but Christianity has this thing about morality. Somebody has to teach kids to be nice amidst so much mayhem.”

In Santa’s defense, when did we get off on this road of “there’s my truth and your truth” and “morality is all relative,” anyway? That path only brings more crime and saps social cohesion.

So, with all due respect to Chaz Twinkleflake and his unmerry band of North Pole YELP’ers, they can go build a snowman. Frankly, it’s a miracle Christmas came on time this year!

Click here to read the rest of Jimmy’s December 25 column at Denver Gazette, a sister publication of The Washington Examiner.

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